Keeping Your Teenager From Smoking, Drugs, Alcohol

ISSUES OF LIFE /FAMILY: Keeping Your Teenager from Smoking, Drugs, Alcohol

     Adolescence is that stage of life wherein a person is no longer a child but not yet an adult. Although adolescence may start earlier, it usually start at the onset of a child's teenage years, a time when he/she  starts to seeks his/her own identity and seeks the approval of peers--a group outside his/her own family. That is why this is also the stage when parents, more or less, shift to a higher gear in raising their teens. Realizing that, unlike when they were kids, they could not be with their teens 24/7, concerns about peer pressure and influence would arise, together with smoking, drugs, and alcohol addictions. 

     So how do we keep our teens from smoking, drugs, alcohol and other forms of vices which are harmful to their health and well-being? Remember, what we first learned before, that our own life is our child's training ground. Whatever we do, they think they can also do. So if you don't want your child to smoke, you should not smoke also. I was guilty of this as I smoked while my baby grew into a child until I stopped when she was already 11 years old. When I was still smoking, she used to imitate me with her lollipop stick and I used to tell her that it's bad what I was doing and she shouldn't do that also. But of course, I was kidding myself. When I stopped smoking, I had a long talk with my 11 year old, me and her Dad, and we explained to her why we stopped--first, because smoking is not good for the health; second, because we don't want to die but live longer and be with her long; and third, because we love her so much, we also don't want her to inhale the smoke so she would remain healthy and strong. And after explaining this, we urged her not to do the same for the same reasons. So, the first step is to live what your preach.

     The next step is to shift your relationship with your teenager a notch or two higher. If you were close to your child before, this is the stage that you should become much closer.  This does not mean you go hug and kiss him all the time. You need to stop what you're doing and listen to your teenager's rants or woes, otherwise, he/she would look for somebody else to pour out to. You need to converse with him/her, express your opinions  and your love for him/her, and give your parental or friendly advice. In other words, keep the line of communication open. You need to be the one whom your teenager can trust and go to whenever he/she has problems. When communication is open and there is trust, you can now explain to your teen about the dangers of smoking, drugs, and alcohol and how it would hurt you to know if he did those things, not for yourself but for him. However, a parent always knows when to correct a child and to impose rules and regulations in his own household. 
     Other steps include encouraging them to join sports group or clubs in school where there are teacher-advisers who could monitor them. Another step is to invite your teen's friends to your home so that you would know them or encouraging your teen to do buddy homework or projects in your home instead of somewhere else. 

     It is true that we cannot eliminate our teen's curiosity for the things that the world tries to lure them with. But we need to be alert and sensitive so that we can prevent more damage at an early stage. Here are some of the warning signs that may guide us so we could recognize if our teen  is using drugs, alcohol or even smoking: glassy, red eyes; frequent use of eye drop; sudden weight loss; slurred speech; skin conditions; breath smells different or hair reeks of cigarette; disappearing of some possessions or petty theft in the house; paraphernalia;  new friends; and rudeness or disregard for whatever you are saying.

     Ah, do not worry. Every morning, lift your children to the Lord and He will cover them with His hedge of protection for you. But if your teen pierces through that hedge, still do not fret, because if you have done everything you can do as a parent, your teen would remember that and would always come back to you.

    

Keeping Secrets

ISSUES OF LIFE: Keeping Secrets

     When we were teenagers, we used to love to whisper to our close friends little secrets that we trust them to keep. "Shhhh... don't tell anyone", is the usual beginning and final statement when telling someone a secret. But these secrets eventually are bared and create issues between you and your friends who got itchy to divulge them to others. And why not? Trust is the issue for you and they betrayed that trust. Or is it the issue, really?

     A secret is a truth that you are covering for. Whatever the reason that this truth is being covered or hidden, it will eventually come out in the open. The Bible says that "there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known" (Matthew 10:26). Like a water leak from your pipes, the secret tends to find a way out so that little by little the secret leaks until the full measure is drawn out. The trouble is, when you entrust someone with that secret and that someone uncovers it for you, it becomes a gossip topic and before you know it, everyone knows what you're hiding.

    Have you hidden a secret from your parents, your husband, your boss? That secret is usually a boo-boo that you've done, otherwise you wouldn't hide it. What if it was something that you need to pay for, like a petty theft or a crime, would you compromise your best friend's integrity by telling him/her of this? Would you feel betrayed if he/she prefers to divulge your secret to the authorities? 

     To me, keeping secrets is like lying to someone you love or to someone that would  be affected by your kept secret. You need to lay your cards on the table to give them a full view of who you really are. If you have secrets right now, you need to take them off your chest and bare them so that you could be free from the baggage you've been carrying for a long time. Maybe the consequence could hurt someone for a while, but honesty is still the best policy.

 

Living Wisely Versus Wasteful Living

ISSUES OF LIFE: Living Wisely Versus Wasteful Living

     Do you love to shop? I do. Do you like new and trendy things? I do. Do you like nice things in your home? I do. Do you want a new car or a new cellphone? I do. Do you want to celebrate birthdays of you, your kids, and your hubby with a great party? I do. Can you afford it? Hmmm....

     One primary reason why people are in debt is because they live beyond their means. Yes, our "God is the God of More-than-Enough", which has been the declaration of many Christians, but it doesn't mean that you can spend more than you can afford now. I believe that as you declare this today and believe it in your heart, it will manifest to you in the near future. But as long as you cannot afford it yet, you must walk and live wisely with what He has provided for you in the meantime.  You must be a good steward of the things He has entrusted you with. Yes, everything is the Lord's. 

     Sometimes, our eyes are too wide to see the vast things we are tempted to buy and like a cowgirl, we are too quick to draw out our credit cards without thinking how we are able to pay it later. This is also a form of gambling because you are gambling with your future. Okay, perhaps you have the money to spend today, but what about your future? To many Filipinos, they would say, "Bahala na!" (Come what may!) which was actually derived from the word, "Bathala" (God), meaning "God will provide". Do you think if you splurge your allowance, your Daddy will give you more?  

                                                                                                 

         In the Bible, Solomon encourages us to consider the ways of the ant--a tiny insect which does not have any ruler, yet has the initiative to gather food in the summer so that when rain comes, he has enough supply (Proverbs 6:6). Solomon, the son of David, was said to be the pinnacle of Israel's wise men because he asked God for wisdom, instead of wealth, to rule his people and it was given to him, including the wealth that he did not ask for. "Wisdom" is the ability to live life skillfully, to make sensible decisions and judgments based on personal knowledge and experience. To a Christian, wisdom comes from Above and to be "wise" is to be able to apply God's words into our everyday life, diligently obeying His will and purpose for our life. 

     Prodigal or wasteful living leaves you with nothing. It is not a sin to buy good things and to enjoy the fruits of your labor, however, it is unwise to splurge on something that will only last a while and then thrown away. It is wise to prioritize your spending and save something for the future. The Bible says, "See that you walk carefully, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is" (Ephesians 5: 15-16).

     

Confidence in Who You Are

ISSUES OF LIFE: Confidence in Who You Are

     "Loser!" "Failure!" "Stupid!" "Liar!" "Adulterer!" How sad that these words have been declared by people to their friends and loved ones, sometimes, even by parents to their  own children. Has someone shouted at you one or more of these words? Remember what we have learned about words having life or power. Sometimes, these words are received and become embedded in someone's heart and mind that leads to feelings of depression, condemnation, low self-esteem and even to suicide.

     The Bible says (Proverbs 23:7) that "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he". Therefore, whatever you regard yourself as, that you are. What ever you think you can do, that you are able to do. Confidence is the certainty that you can do what you think you can do. Perhaps since childhood, words have been spoken into your life that made you lose that confidence in your self, therefore, you need to renew your mind. You need to delete those things that have been encoded into your mind and heart and replace them with new thoughts and beliefs. 

     David asked God (Psalm 8: 4-9) "What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him?" and further expressed his awe that man had been given dominion over all other God's creations. David again expressed God's concern for man in Psalm 139:13-17 by praising Him for he was fearfully and wonderfully made and for His precious thoughts for him which He revealed in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts I have for you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope". So, what am I saying here? That if this is how important you are to God, how much more should you regard yourself as important. 

     Therefore, "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you" (Philippians 4:13), yes, even women. So where does your confidence come from? Our confidence is in Christ Jesus who has done everything for us; all we need to do is believe. Our own strength and abilities may produce something in our life but the perfect will of God will produce good things and even more. Paul said in Galatians 3:28-29 "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if your are Christ's, then you are Abraham's seed and heirs according to the promise". Are you a female? Then you are definitely included in that promise.
     So now, who do you think you are?

    

Where Does Your Faith Come From?

ISSUES OF LIFE: Where Does Your Faith Come From? 

     Oftentimes, when we suddenly encounter a problem or when we suffer already from that problem, we tend to "magnify" it by complaining about it out of fear. To "magnify", according to Thesaurus, is to enlarge, blow-up, expand, or to amplify. Remember what we've discussed a week ago that our own words make or break us and as we magnify our problem, it will persist in our life, instead of the solution. We need to stop declaring our fear and instead, declare our faith.

     Where does the Christian faith come from? Our faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God (Romans 10:17) and the Bible contains the Word of God. From Genesis to Revelation, the Bible talks about God's relationship with mankind and how He sent His only Son, Jesus, to redeem us from sin and from the curses that came with it in order that that relationship may continue. The Bible also contains God's good and perfect will for all of us. God's Word, the Bible says in Hebrews 4:12, is "living and powerful, sharper than any two-edged sword..." and in 2 Timothy 3:16 "all Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, reproof, for correction and for instruction in righteousness". God's Word is genuinely God's Word and not designed by men; it is alive to those who receives it. As we read the Bible, God speaks to us through His Word and we hear  His revelation through our spiritual heart. As God reveals to us through His Word how great and Almighty He is and that "His plans for us is to prosper us and to give us a good future" (Jeremiah 29:11), our faith in Him becomes stronger.

     God said in Isaiah 43:26, "Put Me to remembrance (of my Word)". In other words, we could remind God of His promises in His Words and believe that we already receive them by declaring them in our situations. Jesus said, "Have faith in God. For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea', and does not doubt in his heart but believes that those things that he says will be done, he will have whatever he says". The mountain is the problem that blocks our blessing. We need to declare God's Word that applies to our situation so that the problem would be removed and the blessing can come forth into our life. We need to declare our faith in God by declaring His Words. We need to magnify the God who provides, not only the solutions to our problems, but the continuous blessing He already provided for us.

     So next time you have a problem or situation, don't complain about it. Consult the Bible and remind God of what He said and thank Him already for it is done. Try declaring this: "Let the Lord be magnified Who has pleasure in the prosperity of His servant!" (Psalm 35:27)

Words Make or Break Us

ISSUES OF LIFE: Words Make or Break Us

     Do you know that the fist may have great power to punch you down but the tongue has much greater power? Because the fist can hit you physically once or twice but the power of the tongue can affect your life--present and future.

     Our past were filled with futile languages and curses; those were the times when we were persuaded that it was fashionable to end a sentence with "P.I." (most Filipinos know that this is an abbreviation for a curse word which refers to mothers). We did not realize that the negative things that were happening in our life at that time were results of our grumbles, complaints,  criticisms, negative words, gossips and idle words which we have spoken into our life and our family's life over the years. That was why when we received Jesus into our life, our tongues were the first thing that the Holy Spirit dealt in us because to receive God's blessings, we needed to tame our tongue and speak the right words. God is ready and willing to bless us, but we tend to negate His blessings by speaking against it.

      The Bible says that God created us in His image. As God created the world through His command-- "Let there be light!"--we can also command things to happen in our life. Perhaps this is too much to chew on but it is the truth. The Bible also says that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit". Therefore, whatever we speak or blurt out will come to pass in our life. If we declare negative things, we will also reap negative things; but if we speak positive things in our life, that we will also reap. Again, another Bible verse: "Whatever a man sows, so shall he reap".  It is also good to have a positive outlook, meaning the mind and the heart are involved because when you speak positive things, you have the deeper conviction and the faith that whatever you declare will come to pass.

     "Wala na kaming pag-asang makaahon sa kahirapan" (We have no more hope to get out of poverty)--this is a stereo-typed statement mostly spoken in Filipino soap operas and movies. Well, what about rags-to-riches stories of Lucio Tan, Henry Sy, Andrew Tan? I wonder what Lucio Tan was declaring while he was selling "taho" (sweetened tofu). in his younger years. Perhaps it was, "I am a millionaire" because today, he is. How about us, women? We can declare that our husbands are faithful and loving, our finances are always increasing and never decreasing, our children are in good health and are always safe, our relatives are self-sufficient, prosperous and not dependent on us, etc. 
     Our words shape our future so we need to start speaking what we want to happen in our life today.
    

Screening TV Shows, Internet, and Music for Your Kids

ISSUES OF LIFE: Screening TV Shows, Internet, and Music for Your Kids

     T.v., internet, mp3, mp4, play station, social networking, new media and digital devices, etc.---these all keep our kids and teenagers busy in this day and age. Do you know that our kids today engage in active multi-tasking? This means that they could watch t.v., listen to music in their mp3s and chat in the internet, all at the same time. So now you're wondering, "What about their studies?" Yup, that really is a great question.

     In as much as we want to give our kids the best of these modern devices to keep them active and busy, what we fail to realize is that these are all distractions to the more essential things in life, like education and spirituality. However, this does not mean that we should deprive them of all these things, but it is our responsibility as parents and guardians to screen what may very well be influences to their daily life.

     It is always good to start teaching them who is in control at an early age. Many parents are already limiting the amount of t.v., internet, or play station time of their children. Some also use these as rewards after they finish their homework but also with limited time. However, this is just the beginning.

    Behind those rhythmic ohs, ahs, go-goo, ga-ga, who-oh-oh music are lyrics that contain foul language, insinuations of violence and sex, negativism, pride, and "I-can-do-anything-I-want-to" connotations. Behind the multi-awarded cartoon t.v. programs are racial and religious slurs, inappropriate behavior for parents and adults, devoid of character and integrity that children should look up to, all disguised under the genre of comedy. Behind those seemingly childish play games are suggestions of violence and revenge, and all sorts of "machismo" imagery. Of course, everyone knows that internet has many sites that are filled with porno pictures and even activities and is never safe for our kids. So what do we do?

    In the U.S., broadcast and cable t.v. programs offers ratings services that appear during the first 15 seconds of each program. Here in the Philippines, there is also a warning of some sort if there are contents of foul language or violent scenes before they start a t.v. program. Parents could also use T.V. Parental Controls which are effective in screening unwanted programming. The best thing to do is to watch t.v. with your children. You can directly turn off the t.v. or try to teach your kids why that scene or language is not good and should not be imitated. For music and internet, parents just have to be vigilant in screening what their children, especially their teenagers, are listening to or are chatting with or which sites they are opening. 

    Some of us cannot be with our children 24/7, especially with those who are already grown into adolescence. But we can find time to more than once in a while look into what our children are busy about. We can show our kids the better use of the internet by helping them use it for their research and for their homework in school. If we lead them in prayer in the mornings at breakfast or before going to school, they would know the value of putting God first before anything else.

Sources: http://www.marketingchart.com/television/internet-grabs-kids-teens-attention-and-affects-tv-watching-37!

             : http://video.about.com/kidstvmovies/Screen-TV-shows-for-kids.htm

The Family's Joy in Serving the Lord

ISSUES OF LIFE: The Family's Joy in Serving the Lord

      It seems like it was just yesterday that my husband and I, even our daughter, received Jesus into our life, but in reality, it was almost 12 years ago. The fire that is in me is still burning, excited to receive a message from His Word, always ready to follow and apply His Word into my life, grateful for all His blessings, fervent to express my praise and worship to Him. This is how I describe my joy in serving the Lord and my own definition of what serving the Lord is about. You don't have to be a preacher or a pastor or a priest; simply, love Him, walk in His ways, and fulfill the purpose and calling He assigned for your life.

   
    Joshua, who led the Israelites to the promised land after Moses died, declared "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15), expressing his firm decision or choice for his entire family to serve God. It is the father-of -the-house's responsibility to "command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord"  (Genesis 18:19) and it is the mother's responsibility to implement this and teach these to her children. As the saying goes, "The family that prays together, stays together", because the blessings of God's love and peace are with them and in them. By this, we show that we "love God with all our heart, with all our soul, and with all our mind", which is the first and great commandment according to Jesus (Matthew 22: 37).

Here is a sample of a Bible study group, photo of which I got from photobucket. 
Next time I'll take pics of our Bible study group which I'll post next time.

     
     But there is a second commandment: "Love your neighbor as yourself". This is where we go out and share the love of Jesus to others, starting with our own relatives, then with our neighbors and friends, perhaps even to those we do not know. My husband and I have joined the Music ministry of our church--my husband plays electric guitar and I belong to the choir. We love to sing praises to God and to help usher in His presence into the sanctuary whenever there is a service. We also teach and share God's word  (a Bible study) to a group  of families in a home in one of the subdivisions in Las Piñas through our church's Care Group ministry. We know that these are God's callings for us and we do it not because we are obligated to but because we enjoy doing it. But not everyone is called to the same things that we do; there are other people whom God have given the call to give to the needy, to go out into missions, to become businessmen to influence the business world, and others, simply, to pray for other people. My daughter is a clicker (she clicks the computer for the power point presentation of praise and worship lyrics or of the verses that the pastor uses) every 4pm service in her church. To her, there is a sense of fulfillment as she does this work every Sunday. 
     Jesus said that no longer does He call us 'servants' but we are now called His friends (John 15:15). Unlike a servant, friends serve or help out their friends without being told, willingly and from the heart because they love their friends. But in the end, these are the words that we will hear from Him (Matthew 25:23): "Well done, good and faithful servant...Enter into the joy of your Lord".

Trusting and Loving Again After Being Jilted

ISSUES OF LIFE: Trusting and Loving Again After Being Jilted

     Trust is an important issue of life, for without it, no one is able to build and sustain a relationship. Life is about relationships; even God, our Father, longs for a relationship with His creation. And so they say, "No man is an island" because everywhere you go, you build relationships, with someone--with your relatives, with neighbor, with friend, with a co-worker, with your teacher, even with the maid in your home which we have recently discussed. 
    But one relationship that is deeper and more intimate is that of a husband and a wife or a long-time boyfriend-and-girlfriend relationship. I have a friend who was engaged to be married but her boyfriend got somebody pregnant a few months before their wedding. Describing her pain, she said that it was like a truck had hit her and she felt that God had truly forsaken her. She felt "hopelessly" lonely and cried and cried all day long until she had no more tears to secrete. As I analyzed it, her depression sprung from self-pity because the man she trusted dearly had betrayed her so fiercely that I could almost feel her pain at that time. Good thing this was eight years ago when she did not know Jesus in her life. She came to our Bible study group and held on to the One Lord who really did not forsake her but became her Comforter and Friend who saw her through that episode in her life. Years passed that she was still alone without a companion because she could not muster the thought to love again, to trust again, another man. Perhaps she was comfortable enough to be surrounded by her friends, even us in her Bible study group to support her and pray with her. But three years ago, God opened her eyes to the plans He had for her life. She met her loving and loyal husband, got married, and now she is pregnant with their first child at her glorious age which, only God could have made possible. God is so good!
    I have known stories of wives being jilted or cheated by their husbands, they cry for a while, but are able to get back into trusting their husbands again. For if you truly love your husband, you would forgive him and try to get back that trust in him to continue the relationship that had been disrupted by evil forces. But you cannot do this on your own; you need the help of the Almighty Who is above all, the author of love and trust because it is His nature. He is the only one whose unconditional love for all of us is perfect and everlasting, the only One we can truly and fully trust.

Helping Children Cope with Absentee Dads

ISSUES OF LIFE: Helping Children Cope with Absentee Dads

Photo of a working Dad with his kid, the ideal picture, courtesy of Photobucket

 
       The head of the family is the father. He exemplifies leadership in his children and helps complete their social and emotional structure. However, in many parts of the world, including the Philippines, there are families whose fathers are either physically absent or physically present but mentally and relationally absent. Many upper to middle class Dads are too busy with securing the financial needs of his family that he tends to neglect his responsibility as a father to the point of not having a relationship with his kids at all. We have already emphasized the importance of spending quantity and quality time with our children. But there are many reasons why there are Dads who are physically absent--one is he may already be with the Lord; second, the Dad doesn't want to assume his responsibility as a father; third, broken families or multi-families (the Dad has many families); fourth, bearing a child out of wedlock or as a consequence of teen pregnancy; fifth, the father is abroad working; sixth, simply, he doesn't know he is a Dad or the mother just want to raise her kid on her own. In whatever case, the mother is left to the care of the children assuming the role of both mother and father. 
                                                                                    

The family on the left is complete with the Dad, but the family on the right is without a Dad. It looks that both families are happy. 

      So, how does she help her kids cope without a father? I believe it's simple--she gives them all the love she can give in spite of the fact that she also has to provide for the family's financial needs. She assumes leadership of the family and leads her children into the family values that she wants to instill in them. She tries to go to her son's ballgames and other sports activities and asks her brother or her own father to escort her daughter to a father-daughter affair. I believe that it is always a good thing to assure the kids that their father loves them and that he would be around if he could, however, it is also wise to tell them the truth which could hurt at first but this would eventually make them stronger emotionally. Some women tend to look for a partner who would become a father-figure to her children, however, some of these partnerships or relationships fail and actually provide more pain to the kids especially with an abusive partner. It is already confusing to the kids when their parents are separated and they would have to spend some short time with their Dads, how much more with a third party involved. 
     The fact remains that textbook guides on helping kids cope with absentee fathers are not guaranteed to work because each situation is different and each individual child differs in personality. Nevertheless, mothers in this situation have made it their main goal to give their children the best of themselves in order to compensate for the lack of a father and as a result, many children with absentee fathers have turned out alright. 
      

Advantages and Disadvantages of Extended Family

ISSUES OF LIFE: Advantages and Disadvantages of 

Extended Family

My brother and his wife, when there were only two kids, together with my sister-in-law's Mom.

     Ideally, when a man and a woman gets married, they move out of their parents' homes and get their own place. However, because of many situations that include, primarily, financial lack, most young married couples are forced to live with the parents of either the bride or the groom until such time that they are able to afford to live on their own. Also, there are many instances that parents who are in their senior years live with their adult children and their families so that they won't have to live in nursing homes. There are also instances where a married sibling and his family who suffer financial lack would seek refuge in the home of a married brother or sister and their family who have to take them in because they are next of kin. Or, younger siblings of the husband or wife have to live with them because of many reasons. Well, these scenarios always happen in Philippine families, even in other Asian countries and in the western world. 

Courtesy of Photobucket, a picture of a typical 3-generation extended Asian family

     
     According to Thesaurus, an extended family is a social unit composed of, usually, three generations of relatives living together. The "nuclear" family or the core family is the main family unit where the extensions are attaching themselves to. Sometimes, the house gets too crowded with many family members and the privacy of the nuclear family is compromised and this is one of its disadvantages. Another disadvantage is that if the grandparents meddle with the upbringing of the children and tend to boss around the house, the nuclear couple will usually react and can create misunderstanding between  husband and wife. In this case, the "Golden Rule" applies--"whoever has the gold rules", meaning, whoever owns the house is the one who rules.  Other disadvantages, of course, are added mouths to feed and room or space to provide. 

    But there are advantages to an extended family living under one roof. Remember the movie "Home Alone" with Macaulay Culkin? The boy was left behind because the family was so big, the Mom was not able to keep track of the little boy. But they have this huge house where the uncle his family also lived and shared together with the main family. In fact, a study in 2008 said that 31% of Britons said that they thought it made financial sense to live as an extended family, perhaps because they can either share the rent or the mortgage, as well as the bills. Besides, more people can do their share in doing the household chores. My brother who lives in Brisbane, Australia now has three small kids--a 5 year-old, a 3 year-old, and a 3 month-old. My sister-in-law also works and therefore needs all the help she can get. So, she enlisted the help of her mother who is a retired school principal in Romblon, to come to Australia and stay with the kids, plus, my sister also stays with them who also helps out with baby-sitting and household chores.

     I believe that no matter the reason why relatives come to us to take refuge in our homes, it is always love that makes us accept them into our fold. If we can help other people, how much more our own flesh and blood. But wisdom is needed here because the husband and the wife should agree to take in relatives and wisdom is also needed in helping them get back on their own feet so that they won't stay with you forever, unless you both decide that you want them to stay.

Maintaining Marital Intimacy

Issues of  Life: Maintaining Marital Intimacy

     We talked about spending time with our kids in order to maintain good relationship with them. But it is their parents' relationship with one another that teaches them how to relate to their family and to other people. That is why it is important to maintain the intimacy of husband and wife, not only for their marriage but also for their children. 

   According to Thesaurus, "intimacy" means familiarity, closeness, relationship, confidence. "Marital intimacy" is often used to politely refer to sexual intercourse, but in a marriage counseling or seminar, it is often used in broader aspects of a married couple's relationship. But according to the web page http://www.allaboutgod.com/marital-intimacy.htm, marital intimacy is a deep and rewarding connection between husband and wife which encompasses four areas of life: emotional, mental/social, spiritual, and physical. Let's see.

    In the first few years of marriage, there is usually an excitement in discovering one another--the husband can't wait to go home to see his wife and the wife is usually so engrossed in doing everything to please her husband. Romance fills the air and it seems like nothing can part them. This is also that time when they discover the negative sides of one another's personalities but they could still tolerate them or try to tolerate them.  This is that part when the emotional and physical intimacy are dominating the relationship. But after those initial years (probably around 5 years, more or less), they now speak about their likes and dislikes and may demand change or a compromised adjustment to please both. But this is also the time when they talk more, about their future and their children's future. This is the time when mental/social intimacy is more dominant. Hopefully, also during this stage, husband and wife begins to be awakened in their spirituality because they want to impart the same to their children. Much later, which kind of intimacy will be dominant in their relationship? I believe that spiritual intimacy would be dominant because this is the one thing that will keep the marriage together. To Christian married couples, marriage should not be based on feelings but it is a commitment--a covenant which a couple made with God. 

    How do we maintain our intimacy with our husbands? Or, how do we recover our affection with our husband after he betrayed our trust? How do married couples stay connected to one another? I believe that much talk is needed for us to be able to stay connected, coupled with respect. Forgiveness is essential in order to revive affection lost, but I believe also that the love of a husband and wife for one another cannot be easily erased by anything. However, pride is usually the culprit which pushes forgiveness and love aside. We must try to go back to our original intimacy. Maybe we cannot bring that spark of emotional and physical intimacy that we had in the first few years of our marriage, but we surely can try to resuscitate it by simple hugs and embrace, kisses, making your husband know that you care for him and he is still special to you. Wives must become her husband's best friend at all times because he needs to be able to turn to someone he can trust and to someone close to him. The same goes to husbands out there. 

     I'm really amazed at couples who stay close to one another even until their senior years and even until death. We think that their relationships have always been perfect but, no! Every couple go through struggles and problems in marriage. What matters is how they go through with it together and still maintain their intimacy with one another--their love for one another.

Prayer, The First or Last Resort

Prayer, The First or Last Resort

        Belonging to a Christian nation, many of us believe in the power of prayer. We know that prayer works and is essential to have an intimate relationship with the One we are praying to--our God. Why? Because prayer is a way to communicate what is in our heart to the God who we believe in and have faith in. It is a way to converse with Him and to thank Him for all the things He has done for us and to praise Him for who He is. In fact, in the Bible, Jesus taught His disciples how to pray through His prayer we commonly think titled, "Our Father", telling us, "In this manner, pray".

     An article in The Philippine Star newspaper way back March 30, 2010, titled, "The Power of Prayer" by Dr. Tyrone Reyes amused me because he said that many scientist have been doing researches, studies, and analysis on the link and effects of prayer in the health of individuals. Perhaps they were intrigued by the results of the recent surveys in the U.S. which showed that 47% of the adult population had prayed specifically for their own health. Cardiologists also said that 97% of their patients prayed the night before they had heart surgery. Do you know that the article also said that there are more than 6,000 published studies on this topic since 2000? Perhaps these scientists want to determine how healing is received through prayer and would like to quantify prayer into 'dosages' so they can recommend it to their patients. Well, some really just recommend prayer to their patients especially to the terminally ill as a last hope or resort. 

     
    But, should prayer be the last resort? If we have the faith that God can heal us, wouldn't it be better if we have the faith to stay in good health? Again, prevention is better than treatment. The Bible says, "Ask, and you shall receive" and therefore, we can ask the Lord to put a hedge around us so that we won't be afflicted by any sickness, coupled with our own actions, of course, like eating healthy food instead of junk, exercising regularly and taking the right vitamins and minerals. Let us not be mistaken in believing that our prayer is enough to keep us healthy; we must also do our part. Once, we've asked, we can always thank the Lord for our health which is a sign of our faith and we will receive protection from any affliction that will be around us. However, sometimes we are too busy to pray, even just to say the Lord's name and thank Him for a meal. Only when our problem surmounts and have lost all hope, we turn to the Lord and say our prayer. I'm not saying this is not good; what I'm saying is why only now when you could have done it earlier. One thing is truly important to remember: our salvation is given to us, not because of what we have done right, but because of the great mercy and grace (unmerited favor) of God toward us.

Issues of Life: Alcohol-Dependency in Women

Alcohol-Dependency in Women

      
     How ironic that I wrote about wine glasses in yesterday's 'Good Housekeeping' section of this blog-magazine because I'm now writing about alcohol dependency. I like to balance things because we need to remember that everything in excess can be harmful instead of beneficial.

     Some women love to sip a cocktail or wine whenever they're entertaining socially or invited to a party. But do you know that there are women who we think just casually drink in a party but turn out to be an alcoholic already? Women tend to keep alcoholism a secret and most likely hide when they drink alone any time during the day. In the U.S., there are approximately 15.1 million alcohol-abusing or alcohol-dependent people and 1/3 of them (4.6 million) are women. Also, alcohol dependency is more prevalent in middle-aged women groups (35 to 49 years old).

      So why do women become alcohol-dependent? There are many causes why women turn to alcohol. One is stress--women work outside the home, take care of the household chores, please their husbands, teach their children, etc.--overwhelmingly great responsibility. Second is depression which some stay-at-home moms suffer from; also may be caused by separation or divorce from husband or partner or separation from children. Third, social pressures and influences coming from friends, workplace, community or neighborhood. Fourth is trauma which may come from childhood experiences like sexual abuse, or trauma that comes from verbal abuse and other kinds of traumatic experiences. The warning signs are usually the following: increased risky behavior outside her comfort zone, short-term attention or forgetfulness, lack of sound judgment, lack of coordination, unusual sleepiness, uncertainty and confusion and irrational emotional outbursts or mood swings. 

    Since most causes for alcohol dependency are psychological and emotional in nature, the treatment aims to provide the needs of the deprived individual of these things that drove her to alcohol in the first place. The first recommended treatment is an all-female group therapy which most women respond to best. In the U.S., there is a group called 'Women for Sobriety' which is like an Alcoholics Anonymous exclusively for women. We only have Alcoholics Anonymous here in the Philippines which accepts men and women. I haven't come across a group therapy center for women. The second is individual therapy which many treatment centers incorporate in their therapies especially for those who suffer from trauma. Another thing that they incorporate is the final treatment which is the holistic treatment approach involving the mind, body, and spirit. These therapies include art therapy, music therapy and meditation. However, the best and crucial therapy is that of the spiritual which many Alcoholics Anonymous employ in the U.S. Since alcoholic women are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem and depression, self-derogation which lead to a feeling of purposelessness in life, they need a spirituality that empowers them, lifts them up, equips them, and gives them a sense of identity and worth. They invoke a one-on-one relationship with the omnipotent God before whom  the alcoholic admit her total powerlessness over alcohol and who is able to "restore sanity" to her as she surrenders her own will to Him. Aside from her individual "therapy" with God, the woman alcoholic also develops her relationship with her group through the help of the Holy Spirit who ignites the spark of hope within her and breathes life through the group. That is why many alcoholism cannot be treated just by pastoral counseling.

     Just a small warning to those women who are drinking excessively. Chronic alcohol abuse extracts a greater physical toll on women than men because of our smaller build and the detrimental effects of alcohol on our liver is more severe than for men. 

Issues of Life: The Joys of Motherhood

The Joys of Motherhood

     This coming May 9, the world celebrates "Mother's Day". It is an occasion wherein mothers are honored and remembered for, well, being mothers (in short, for having a child or more). Well, I am a mother and I expect to be remembered. Ha, ha, ha! But my daughter is way too advanced; she already gave me her gift which is my request--a headband--and for that I am grateful. 

      Although we are celebrated, once a year, no gift can compare the joy that we've experienced and are still experiencing as a mother. From the moment we conceive until the time we deliver and up to this time that we are raising up our child, we are consumed with various struggles and challenges, yet, all the more we emerge more victorious than ever in every stage of our child's life that we go through with him. Our joy doesn't come from our own accomplishments as a mother, but from the accomplishments of our child from his first steps, to his first words, to his first day in school, to graduating elementary, high school and college, to having a career or a good job, to having a relationship with someone else and up to his accomplishments in having a family of his own. In every step he takes and in every victory he makes, we rejoice; it's as if we are the ones accomplishing it ourselves. It's probably the reason why we also cry all the more whenever he struggles and when he is in great pain. Such is the great selfless love of a mother. Who says motherhood is easy? 

      "Happy Mother's Day" in advance to all mothers out there! I celebrate you, indeed! God bless you more and more and more.

Issues of Life: Who To Turn To In Times of Financial Lack

Who to Turn To in Times of Financial Lack

This photo from photobucket is to describe how it looks when you have financial problems.

      My husband and I went through a season of financial lack after the Asian financial crisis in 1997 affected our business and folded down in 1998. Stacked with debt left and right, with no income, no job, we didn't know who to turn to and what to do. In 1999, we received the Lord as our Savior and found the One we can turn to. But the salvation of our finances did not happen all at once; it took three years for our finances to build up again. 

     Amazingly, through those three years, we were able to send our daughter to school, to pay our basic bills, have food on our table and even go to church and serve the Lord in ministry, and for these we have been very thankful to Him. We had to forgo of our old lifestyle of dining out, partying, and having a good time. We let go of our jewelries and valuable items to sell, even our cars, but we knew that these were means for us to live that temporary life. We had to tighten our belt in order to extend the money that we had on hand. As we continued to trust in the Lord that He will lift us up from that dry spell, blessings kept coming--my husband was able to have projects here and there and became temporarily involved in companies in their marketing departments, our Christian brothers and sisters came to our home bringing sacks of rice or bags of groceries, and some of our relatives here and abroad were also able to help us financially. In short, God used people to help us in those trying times. After staying in faith and declaring the Word of God throughout those three years, our finances started to build up as He provided a business for us, together with the anointing. I remember writing about my husband, that he started out in construction by designing and building home theaters and that he is now a contractor. We never even imagined that he would go into this business because in our previous life, he was an advertising executive who never knew how to use a hammer. Who else but God could have given him the opportunity and the talent and wisdom to be able to do what he is doing now.

    This is the testimony of my family and we always share this to those who are experiencing the same struggle that we experienced so that they could turn to the Ultimate Helper and not just trust in their own abilities and abilities of other people. Had we turned to getting another debt, we would be stuck in debt forever. But He knows what to do. As you trust in Him, He will not only lead you to the salvation of your finances but also to the salvation of your soul. 

    Perhaps this is a deviation from the intended objectivity of my blogs, but I know someone will be blessed by this post and I thank God for it.

    

Issues of Life: The Trauma of Abortion

The Trauma of Abortion

     Pro-life and Anti-abortion versus Legalize Abortion and Pro-Abortion: these are the two sides to this issue. But to us, Christian women, this is no longer an issue because we know for a fact that abortion is killing an innocent, unborn child (a person) and it is not the will of God. But what about those women who committed abortion in the past and now have received the Lord and now walking with Him? What about those who are Christians and yet committed it but are now repentant? Do we condemn them?

    I've heard and came across many testimonies of women who had abortion, both in the internet and from their own mouths. They said that they wanted to share the trauma they've experienced and are still experiencing after the abortion. Some of them wanted to be set free from this trauma which they carry into the depths of their soul, always haunting them in the inside, not wanting to remain silent as if their babies were calling them and crying out from the deep. I have heard of very young women--teens--who had abortion and seemed as innocent as their babies, yet having a conscience, knowing what they did was wrong. They said they didn't have a choice; ahh, but they did. But again, perhaps at that time, they didn't know any better because of their youth, because of poverty, because of shame. But their trauma have spoken what was really in the inside of them.

     What is this trauma? What is post-abortion trauma?  I believe it is another term they use for guilt. Indeed, guilt is what causes these trauma; the guilt from murdering your own child, a life which God created from your own flesh. However, as God forgives, so must we also forgive ourselves. "There is no more shame nor condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus", the Bible says. As God has forgiven you, rest assured that your unborn child has forgiven you and is with the Lord. He calls to you from God's bosom and tells you that everything is okay and should let go of your guilt. Forgiveness is the start of the healing process and without it, you can never be free.

Issues of Life: Virginity, Saving it for Marriage

Virginity, Saving it For Marriage

    In the '70's, the time of the 'hippies, they had what they called 'free sex' because they were mostly stoned and didn't care about their health. I believe this was the era that started all the commotion about liberty in doing whatever they wanted to do: women's liberation, demonstrations against government policies, rebellion against the state, rise of communism, freedom of speech rallies, etc., etc. Yes, including premarital sex and orgies. This era also gave rise to much sexually-transmitted diseases and other diseases which they never knew before.

   Image courtesy of Photobucket

     In today's generation, although we know about aids, hepatitis b, c, d up to f, and other diseases transmitted sexually or through the blood, teenagers and even adults still engage in premarital and extra marital sex. There are even movies about sexually-transmitted diseases in schools based on true stories. As these are rampant in the West, we also have them here in our country. Have you heard about that woman from the U.S. who wanted to sell her virginity for a price? This was big news then because virgins are very rare 'commodities' in the U.S.

    Virginity before marriage is a great issue especially those in the world. Most men think that if you love him, you must be able to give all to him including your hymen. And most women think that they should be able to choose whether they could express their love to a man through sex and that they also have a right to know if the man can satisfy them in bed or not. True, to stay a virgin is a choice, both for the man and the woman. But those who save their virginity for marriage have a greater and much more spiritual reason-- to keep himself or herself 'whole' (unbroken) and 'untouched'  for the woman or man whom God has prepared for him/her until they become 'one' in covenant with God.

     I was blessed to have known a Christian couple, both virgins, before they got married. They said they dedicate their virginity to God and to one another. Now, they have a kid and are happily married. They explored one another's innocence and with God's help, learned from one another the sanctity of sex in marriage.

Issues of Life: Hail to You, Women of the Philippines and of the World

Hail to You, Women of the Philippines and of the World

Photo courtesy of Photobucket

     Last March 8, 2010, the world celebrated the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day. This month, the Pinay women celebrates National Women's Month. I hailed the Pinay women in my other blog "Awesome Pinoys: Disciples of Philippine Progress" and I've decided to hail them again in this blog, together with all women of the world. 

   We've come a long way-- from Eve until today's modern woman; if you count Darwin's theory of evolution, from female Neanderthals to great beauty today. From time immemorial, we've seen women play great roles in history, in governance, even in kingdoms ruled by a queen (queendom?), in politics, education, in advocacies, in business, and other fields. They influenced their men to influence nations, 'launched thousands of ships' because of love, made to marry men of power to bind nations in peace. Without women, people would not multiply and societies and nations would never be born. Without women, there won't be mothers who would care, nourish and teach children to grow up and be good adults and human beings. 

     To share with you what I wrote in my other blog, do you know that the ratio of Filipino men to Filipino women today is 1 man to 7 women? As this is the case, our women have empowered the men in business and entrepreneurship, according to 1888pressrelease.com. The Philippines has the greatest percentage of women in senior management in the world.  That's because Pinay women are hard-working, diligent, and creative and are willing to do anything for the benefit of her family. Although many are in senior management, many Pinays are also managing simple sari-sari stores, lugawan (porridge stalls), fish and vegetables stalls, etc. Many have left their homes and children to work abroad as domestic helpers to help make a better life for their families here.

     In international news and cable t.v., we, Pinays, see the women of the world, either  in very significant positions as ambassadors, secretary of state, politicians, women-evangelists, Hollywood actresses or those in media, in sports, etc.; or as a simple American housewife portrayed in movies and sitcoms, or as a Thai food vendor in Bangkok, the Vietnamese lady farmer tending to her rice fields, the African woman who advocates the building of toilets for her tribe, the tribal woman who breastfeeds her baby placed in hammock-cloth tied to her neck and shoulders while she grinds meal to cook, the Japanese woman who pours tea graciously, the Latinas who dance the samba in mardi-gras, the French woman-chef who exquisitely stirs her onion soup, the woman who launders her family's clothes in the Genghis River in India, and many, many more images of women all over the world.

    Hail to you, women of the world! To the Christian women of the world, hail to you for your faith and surrender to the word of God and for simply being a light into this world.

Issues of Life: The Life and Joy of Christian Single Women

The Life and Joy of Christian Single Women

This photo was taken by Dave, the one in the foreground, in our Worship Team practice in our church. Can you spot the single women in this photo? Or, can't you?   

     The 'normal' life, according to many, is this: you go through childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood studying from nursery to college, then you get a job, then you get married, have children, then you send your kids to school, then you get old and then go on to be with the Lord (or simply, die). This 'normal' pattern of life is the expectation of those in the world, but this is also the expectation of many Christians.

     In many Christian churches, young adults who are single often pressure themselves into finding a partner. Dr. Jim Rives, in his article in meetchristiansingles.com's web page asks, "Are you dealing with a 'force' that is driving you to find a single Christian man or woman to be dating or even to be your mate? There are 'natural' forces within us that compel us to find companionship, and often a mate. God created these drives and they are certainly a part of the inner being of single Christian men and women. However, when we do not keep discipline in our lives, these forces develop their own self-serving appetites that demand feeding". Hmm...that is why even in churches, there are pregnancies out of wedlock. I pray that this blog is talking to those single young adults out there. 

     What about those Christian single women who are already in their 40's and 50's and the widows in our church? What do they feel in the inside? Having no companion, are they lonely, desperate? How do they cope with loneliness? And, how should those single young adults discipline themselves so that those forces will not overpower them? 

     First and foremost, "only Christ can 'satisfy' your innermost needs", according to Jim Rives. We need to draw closer to him and strengthen our relationship with Him--single, married, or with a boyfriend or girlfriend. He is the One who fills the void in the inside of us uplifting our spirit and removing the loneliness; He is our joy! He makes that difference in our life and you can be assured that He'll never ever leave you for another.  He is the One who will help you overcome those dictates of your flesh so you can remain pure for your mate-to-be. He is the One who will make a way when there seems to be no way that your mate will find you. Second, uplift yourself. Go to the gym, learn and educate yourself about dating, beauty tips, about crafting or about blogging, or attend seminars to upgrade your business. Get busy; serve the Lord in ministry, that way you can also fellowship with other Christians. Fellowship, fellowship, fellowship--the way you meet and serve people. Yes, partying is also a form of fellowship but better with fellow Christians. Be happy for the day and look forward to a better tomorrow. Rejoice! Again, I say rejoice! For God has a plan for you.

     I have seen many Christian women friends who are still single in their 50's who have great joy in their life, an evidence that they are coping with loneliness or even have eliminated loneliness. Two of them are successful businesswomen who have adopted babies and raised them as their own. They are now single fulfilled moms who are raising their children just like any other married women, although their role is much harder because they also stand as father and bread-winner for their family. But let me also share with you the great blessing of God upon my husband's brother who found his mate when he was 52 years old (my sister-in-law was 50 at that time, an old maid). They have been married for 4 years now and together they serve the Lord. Nothing is impossible to God!